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May 11 a year and then somemy my..how much has chnaged since i last got down to doing this...for one im single..was heartbroken for a while but im not anymore!! in fact im glad that it ended when it did and not later or before it got more complex. i can honestly say fuck it, and go about my day. i've moved back to madras whic his positivle y the bvest scity on the planet!! its got a beac hand i've realized without a shred of doubt taht i need to live by the coast. the smell of teh sea nd the sea breeze is magical.
its quite by chance that i came onto spaces today and after reaing al lthe comments nostalgia reared its beautiful head. i miss being able to do this on a daily basis but ever since i started working with the internet, the very sight of a computer now turns me off. I feel really bad for male gynaecologists or cosmetic surgeons! yes, thats another chnage for me. i've moved out of radio from an industry taht i've loved to work in an internet advertising company called rage communications. this really has been a lot of fun, all the more so conidering i haven't been a victim of the seven month itch as yet.
i loved radio. i love the intensity of the medium. i love the nowness with which everything happens and i love the fun that a radi ostation is. but i hate the way its run in india with zero space for creativity and no space to experiment.
life's been pretty good really. caught up with old friends, built stronger bonds with my best friend and also got a new best bud! all in all a pretty eventful year! i even had time to do a little bit of travelling and a lot of drinking!! haha!!! hint: if any body wants to take a vacation i suggest gokarna in the post monsoon season which is in a couple of months!! its beautiful.
anyhoo, its been fun but i've got to go back to work now and hopefully, just hopefully, i'l lbe back soon. sooner than a year for sure! March 26 finally, an updatephew, its been a while...
i dont think anybody reads this page anymore...well other than the medical trackbacks i received over the course of my hibernation. i feel the need to write, i hear its call. i've been fighting it for so long but i can't anymore. it's been eating me up inside.
that said, my life is pretty good. other than my job, everything else is moving forward. and i haven't met one person who actually likes their job!!!
one person did think it was funny to give me a topic on yeast infection! well, not so tough really, but we'd have to break it down to whether this infection is caused by yeast on humans or to the yeast itself. and yes i have no fucking idea what i'm talking about. but i did go to a lousy bloody skin specialist who told me that he line on my nose was yeast infection, when it actualy was something called a solute. ah, what would i do without my doctor ex-girlfriend. she's a good friend now...but she really has to stop trying to diagnose my every problem. i'm a fuckin hypochondriac, and it really freaks the shit out of me.
oh the same stupid skin specialist also gave me a cream for my hands which proceeded to remove all the skin from my fingers and the back of my hand!!! some doctor! i think they just give medical degrees away. "ah, u look like you're stupid enough! here's your degree. go out there and fuck people's lives up! you have our corrupt blessing!"
that said, i'm still happy. you want to know why? i'm in love. and its been a while since i felt like this. infact, i don't think i've ever felt like this before. never felt so completely at peace, so completely free. never been so happy. its like a weight has been lifted, my feelings of darkness, my premonitions of death, all gone. far away, far far away.
and my friends. we suddenly seem to have become closer. like we grew at the same time...and we grew together. its special when this happens. doesn't happen all the time. I know, that if i need them they'll be there, and i know that i'll be there for them. its special.
so there it is...an update to end all updates...see you in a couple of months. or not...i just might be back sooner.
rock on baby!
October 14 where are we?i just realized as i left a comment on miss c's idle space, that typing random thoughts just didnt work anymore...dont know why but i need a reason to type now...didnt before but things have changed. for better or for worse i dont really know but now i need a cause..i need a topic...i need direction...maybe im just growing up or maybe just growing old... July 26 whats going onwhere's the exuberance of youth? jeez...i only see young people burdened. by stuff that we didnt ask for...arent we supposed to be having fun. whats the point if we arent. this life's supposed to be fun, to enjoy the sun, the moon the stars, the sea, the trees, love, fresh air, fuck even polluted air, rides at night, drives on an open road, a cold beer on a hot day...where is that?
everyone's so bogged down by commitments, and resentment that 20 year lods are talking like they're 40...walk the fuck my generation, its no point living liek slaves. true we have problems and we're affected by more issues than most others..but please, it cant be so bad...
you know whats the worst part? its the smart ones who get down. who get depressed and weighed down. its the smart ones who fall...and thats sad.....
im pissed off... July 18 La vie bohemehey...its been a whiile since i last put up a post...
i just got back from delhi...gurgaon actually...and god am i glad to be back in madras...i love the humidity. i swear i will not complain about it again. oh you poor delhiwallahs, how do you survive that dry heat. i really thought my skin was going to curl up like a rasher of bacon...we spent the whole day writing about hotels...im not joking. 14 hours a day for 10 days just writing about hotels....it's put me off hotels for a long time...if anybody says "multi-cuisine" to me i'll run a mile. but i've found my writing back atleast...
the guys then got dragged around delhi...shopping! in the rain! the other two atleast have girlfriends, so they bought stuff for them. I just walked around Sarojini nagar, lajpat nagar and delhi haat getting soaked. but i did get to spend some time with my bro who i hadnt seen in a long time, so it was cool! oh and we had 'momos"
i did meet some awesome people this trip so all in all it was worth the madness. yay, i have friends!
thanks to ollie, i watched a movie that i've wanted to watch for a while now. It's this rock musical called RENT...all about a group of bohemians in new york, most of whom have AIDS. awesome. the funda is, you cant buy love but you can rent it, if it means enough to you. nice huh!
i've also found the premise for my book...i can see it in my head...i just need to start writing...whats it about you ask....clue: "what the world needs now, is ____sweet ____" It doesnt seem contrived in my head, but lets see how it comes out on paper. it seems really challenging though.
when it comes down to it, isnt that all we need. Love, in whatever form. From humans, or animals or any thing. we need that most powerful emotion in our lives. something else i realised, how much ever i try and fight it, im a hippie, i love the bohemian life. it wont get you anywhere but its the only way to live right. be true to yourself. Love everybody. never sell out and be broke forever....
ah...i could never live like though. stuck between two conflicting worlds. the ideal and the practical...i guess thats the problem..the brain and the heart seem to be locked in an epic battle and neither seem to be gaining any ground! some day some day!
aite...got to go ...will run away, and come back i know not when...as you can see my writings back to being disjoint ramblings...ta loveys
May 28 guess who i found?not anyone really important. just myself. i understood one part of the wierd person that i am. it's really strange, but no one would really call me wierd. outside, i come across as this extremely normal human being, introverted but normal. but inside is this chaotic whirlpool of uncertainties that i just cannot fathom. or could not. its actually really sad that i don't know myself, even after being me for 22 and a half years. last week i took one step closer to finding out who I am. i've been wallowing in self pity for sometime now. its brutal and disgusting and no sane human being should even think about putting themself through the torture. i was depressed and generally feeling blue, when i came to the conclusion that i dont need any friends. who needs them, the rotten bastards. nobody cares really, so why should i.
until saturday morning that is. i open the paper and there's this story about a little girl who's lost both her hands and she's all bubbly and cheerful. most importantly, she's getting on with her life even though lady luck's been pretty nasty to her. i guess the more fortunate we are, the more we take for granted. but it the story snapped me out of my lousy self indulgence. it also however forced me to think about some stuff and that put a new spin on one aspect of my personality.
i realized that i do need friends. in fact i love my friends. people who know me, also know that i dont have that many people i can call friends. so why the disparity between reality and belief. here's the deal. i'm scared to let people see who i am. im scared to let people know that i have needs. im scared that people will see me as needy. im scared that i'll become a hanger on, a tag along, an extra spoke, a third wheel. unfortunately,its a bloody vicious cycle, and allowing these fears to take control meansl i've given up...and guess what? they've come true.
its no use being smart...its no use being intelligent....its no use making a lot of money...its no use...period!
there's a way out though. get my ass in gear and get out there or get reclusive. im pushing the boundaries of the latter, dangling on the edge of the precipice....fuck it, i think i'll just fall!
April 30 solitudei watched the day break at the beach today. with all thats been going on, i seem to have forgotten the little things. the little things that bring so much peace and joy. the important thing, like being able to appreciate the beauty of an awesome event sunrise.
once i managed to clear the incessant titter of would be fitness enthusiasts, the odd drone of an engine and the cackle of fisherwomen, the traquillity of the event set in. after a night of drinking spurious whisky, what i really needed was some peace. time to reflect and time to just not do anything. even think.
unfotunately, as most people will agree, trying not to think ends up with exactly the opposite result. well any way, every body makes a huge deal about the sunrise being romantic and how 'lovers' (yeuch) cuddle up together and watch it. bull shit. the only way to trully appreciate the moment that the sun climbs over the horizon is alone. its awesome and inspiring. uplifting even.
right will go now. the damn computer screen is making my hangover worse! April 20 get in the gameI was watching TV, actually, I was watching episodes online, when this bit of the dialogue really hit me in the face. i know its really lame to get inspired by a television show but this was quite profound. fist a littlebackground information. the show's called sports night and this particular episode had a team of people attempting to climb everest. here's the quote:
These guys are on the verge of scaling Everest. they've walked up a wall of ice and knocked on the door of heaven itself. there's no limit to what we can do. the trick is to get in the game.
well...im out for now. sadly i work at nights these days and it hasnt been to condusive to blog...but never fear (read as please dont run away) i shall soon be back to my blogging days...as soon as i get my system straight...
ta children of the day and night April 14 The Blank Noise ProjectHey all u bloggers from madras. the blank noise project is going to be heretoday, friday the 14th of april to work against eve teasing and sexual harrasment. they are meeting at the woodlands cafe, narada gana sabha at 7 pm. i dont really know what going to happen but the cause is good, and important.
April 05 road ragei have a question? why do some people find it necessary to take their hands off their handlebars or steering wheels, turn their heads away from the road and pray as they pass a temple or a church. why?
don't get me wrong, i'm not against praying or showing respect to the holy place. but in the middle off the road in peak traffic. sometimes as they are cutting other people off! i dont get it. are you praying for ypur life, that god might spare your stupid soul as you needlessly put yourself and others at risk. BAH!
that leads me to another issue. women on two wheelers. not bikes but the kind that has all its weight at the back. this doesnt pertain to all women who drive or ride because i know some who handle a vehicle and traffic better than men. but in general, they women don't seem to get the idea of driving in a straight line. watch for it next time. she'll start off on the left or right and then drift into the centre of the road before drifting back. all that at full clip. try driving behind that.
the same women for some wierd reason also sit on the edge of the seat, using their mammaries as substitues for headlights. again why? the further forward you place your shapely posterior,the more unbalanced the damn thing gets.
another grouse. this time against dumb motherf**kers who drive SUV's like they are autorickshaws. for gods sake, when you weave, just remember how big your vehicle is! the scariest thing on the road, after cyclists, buses and lorries is probably a fool with an SUV.
last bu t not the least, who can forget the tortoise. the guy who drives at 20kmph, in the middle of the road. dont hog the road. move or get the fuck out of the way....
note: all the above are only generalisations and meant to offend the people who fall into each category. March 31 excuse me, can you smell uranusi was driving back late last night in my dad's rickety old esteem. had just been lazing around at a friend's place. the usual guy stuff, smoke a couple of cigarettes, watched some psycho shit on the tele, had a couple of beers and talked about life. like old times. yeah, so i'm on the road and the systems blaring cold hard bitch by jet and i'm singing along like a crazy person.
the roads really dark. its late at night and the street light's not working. but just ahead i see this lone figure cycling. a tired man on his way home. a little bit of guilt creeps in a i turn the stereo down a bit. a little closer and the man riding the cycle is a police consatble on his way. and then it hits me. the guilt that is.
there's me, unemployed for the moment with a UK degree almost under my belt. i slept the whole day, played with the dog, read the glass palace which might i add is the most boring book ive read, and then there's this man who has worked the whole day and now to get home has to pedal his way home in the middle of the night. what's wrong with this moment?
dont get me wrong. i know my dad's worked hard to get to where he is and to provide us with a comfortable life. he pays his the unfair taxes that our so called democratic government levies on its salaried people. and the injustice of it all, that has been burning a storm in my head since i got back suddenly seemed to explode.
the disparity in classes is so prevalent that we become immune to it. like doctors get immune to seeing carved up dead bodies. the beggars, the destitue, the sick and the dying, the coolies, the servants, the manual labourers, the maimed and the hungry. its all around. and yet, more tt\han fifty yeas since we got our much longed for 'independance', has that much really changed.
true we have bright shiny new buildings and sleek cars. india's become THE place to be. with yoga and neo spiritualism being uber cool. but drive around our 'shining' metros at night and you'll see hundreds of people sleeping on the streets with not even that patch of pavement to call their own. why? i'll tell you why. inneffectual governments, criminals for business men, criminals for politicians, and a middle class that does not have a voice in their own country.
but the root of the problem is more base than that. its the same lousy thing that has driven men to conquest and adventure. the same thing that drove men to enslave other human life and to its the same thing that drives man to become a lower form of life. MONEY. five letters of filth.
what has that left us with. a greater divide between the rich and poor, more disquiet and class hatred, a people divided by the rupee, or atleast the quantity of rupees. on another side, we have ineffectual, unscrupulous doctors, horrible teachers, hapless engineers and useless architects. and we wonder why the white man, with all his faults, is still ahead of us.
back to the cop. we've all bitch about corrupt cops. but considering the pittance they are paid its no wonder really. they work on the street, with hardly any reward or recognition. we loathe our policemen rather than respect them. but people who work in government offices get paid much more. they hardly do any work. their offices are haphazard with files piled up on any flat surface and some non flat nes giving the room the look of a godown. the people work lazily while the comman man, whom they are supposed to serve, stands head lowered as if in respect to get his work done.
i was in a government office this week and there was actually a crow flying around the office cawing its disapproval of the lack of landing surfaces. and by the way, if you have a serious allergy to dust, walking into a government office is tantamount to committing suicide!!! March 26 life's goodoh what a week. the ides of march seem to be kind to me. maybe i should ask girls out on a Friday the 13th of whatever month. but lets not get carried away.
really good week though. not just on the job front, which is more than just promising, but also physically, mentally, emotionally, any-other-ally's. getting to the point i feel good, about who i am and the way my life's working out. i could die right now and be almost happy. there's still a couple of things i have to do before that though.
i haven't written my book yet, not bungee jumped or sky dived, not had more than on girlfriend (also read as an absence of any thing more than a gentle third base).not been to the himalayas and climbed mount everest, which if i did right i would really probably move on to that great rock concert in the sky. i've not learnt to fly, or for that matter swim perfectly. not been to the seychelles, or antartica, not even been to freakin goa!
i havnt met that perfect girl. woman if you must. the one perfect woman who can make my heart flip with just the sight of her. some have come close but not close enough. but i know she's out there and thats enough for now.
enough about that.
lets talk about people. not about people i know, thats not completely true. i'll admit i'm not the best judge of character, quite bad really. if you knew me you'd know why. i tend to take people at face value and that usually flings me hurtling, brakeless, down a dead end street. but there are a few people that i trust completely and am really comfortable with them. these people i love to death. i know i can talk to them about anything. ollie, thaps, sneh and priyabee. you guys are special.
thats apart from my family. actually they are family but now im talking blood. my parents rock and i wouldnt change them for the world. my bro can be a pain in the ass but i know he's got my back.
i may not be the most vocal person but i want you to know that i'm there for all of you.
i figured some shit out this week. and i'm now more at peace. the clouds have gone and its bright and sunny. its time for spring and with spring comes a four letter word thats the most powerful weapon ever made. life's good!
March 24 mush is slush, my arse is grassits gone...death to mush!!!and the song has nothing to do with the way i'm feeling. i just like aerosmith.
its time to rebuild, restructure even, my life. these past few months have been good and bad. like the waxing and waning of the moon. its been really good and really bad with shades of ok in between. three months is enough of a break from reality, i feel. the time has come to unleash myself upon this unsuspecting planet. haha, im so full of shite!
anyway, like i was saying, the whole confusion caused by that single individual could also be attributed to a lonely soul. me, if you were wondering. yeah, my new funda is to get out of this comfort zone that i have created for myself (like the butt groove on your favourite couch) and get myself a job and meet people and get a life!
woo....i feel like a freight train. whether thats due to gravity acting on my slighty high body mass or just the confused adrenaline running in my blood, at night!!!, i do not know. but this is for certain. my behind seems to be a little numb from sitting on it for so long.
oh,and i have resolved to exercise. another one. its been so long it actually scares me. me! who at one time would get up at half past four in teh morning to play tennis. damn. i cant get up before eight these days and even then i sleep on a chair for half an hour. whats happening to me. i hate to sleep. i could go 5 days without sleep. but now. nooooooooooooo. i cant go 5 hours without visiting the land of nod.
whats happened to my insomnia. people would be happy if they were cured of a disorder. but mine wasnt. its self inflicted and i loved it. its the age i tell you. old age is catching up. hehe
i will wake up in three and a half hours!
i will wake up in three and a half hours!
i will wake up in three and a half hours!
hope this works.....night! March 22 ooh ooh sha la lathe song tells the whole story doesn't it. im all a-mush. every single sensible cell in my body and brain tells me not to go for it. to let the past be just that. the past. it never works. that i'm only going to fall again, and get hurt. to crash and burn.
but guess what. reason just doesnt fit in when i'm feeling this way. and its always the same person. she gets under my skin like no one else can and its a little scary. oh useless naive me. to believe everybody. to take things as they seem. to take people at face value. but then, that is who i am. who i have been all these years. its really not something that i can change overnight.
do i sound foolish? or just very simple? though i say this myself, trust me, i'm not. this weakness for some people does not manifest itself with some others. i'm drawn to her. like a fly to an electric exterminator. there can be only one result. one way this will end.
or will it be different this time? i don't know. will my instincts be right? always.
but when i see her, its all washed away. the past fades into the glorious present, and the future doesnt exist. only that moment. its like in the movies, when the protagonists are the only ones clearly seen. everything surrounding them is a blur. that moment, is more amazing than i can express in words.
music's the only way to explain how i feel. and this song is just perfect
With an iron-clad fist I wake up to french-kiss the morning.
While a marching band keeps it's own beat in my head while we're talking about all of the things I longed to believe, about love, the truth, what you mean to me and the truth is... Baby you're all that I need i hate it when i get like this. i need to be in control of the situation. of my life and all thats happening. the whirlwind that i create for myself will bring about ejust about enough chaos to keep myself sane and therefore happy. external stimuli that upset my core, only serves to throw my entire dysfuntional system out of gear and then some. why? if i knew, i'd be the first one to tell you. but it seems irrational. my entire tjought process is out of sync. disjoint and inconclusive. where do i go? what do i do? nothing makes sense.
then again, does everything have to make sense? why? shouldn't we just live everyday as it comes? no no no...yes yes yes...why, when, how, what..,
see what she does to me. i'm stepping off the edge and need to catch myself before its too late. until next time mes amis. my world is now more complicated than it already was. stop. think. maybe i like it like that. then again, maybe not! 75 bandsthe pic in the photo album thing apparently has 75 bands represented in it...i've got around 25 so far....
here the link if u want to try it out
March 16 on the roadMy blog today is from the garden city. Yes, here am in Bangalore, on m g road, and all I can think of doing is to blog....
The bus journey here was surreal. Sitting in the back of a prancing rajahamsa is quite my idea of fun and you have to admit it does have a certain thrill. I love to travel. Haven’t slept yet and that’s helping me write. Anyway, in the past three months I’ve made three major trips. First for my cousins wedding, (actually the blessing of the wedding!) in Bombay. that journey was weird cos for the first time actually spent more time travelling than being in Bombay. The second one was my trip to pune, also for a wedding, and then on to bombay, again! i should say this now that I cannot stand bombay. The air is foul, the people are crude and its fuckin crowded. Check this out, we took off from bombay airport, in a deccan airways flight that was on time for the first time in its short history, and the plane went through this black blanket in the sky. i kid you not, you could not see through it. And bombay wallahs think their city is so great! Now to gloat. We reached madras, and what did we have. Clear sky, 100% visibility. hahahahaha
Bangalore, well, I love Bangalore. Its not Madras but I love it. The weather is nice, the beer is good and the women, oh man, the women are fine. The sad part is i'm here for a job interview. fuck, im nervous. I just finished and I’m gonna go have a nice cold, pint or super draught after i finish this. saturday morning I’m off to mysore. hey hey, and my aunts most awesome cooking. She’s the best in the whole wide world, and I’ll have to beat the shit out of anyone who says otherwise.
pune-bombay, bangalore-mysore, all thats left is pondy. pondicherry, thats where i'm going to go when i retire. buy a nice white house on the beach front on the boulevard. live on the first floor, and have a small pub on the graound floor. breakfast will be bacon, eggs, ham, sausages, buns, home made butter, and cheese on toast. wash it down with some strong black coffee or nilagiri tea, orange juice, or better still a pint.
That is the life mes amis. No hustle. Just chill, to the sounds of the ocean crashing against the rocks, the laughter of pretty girls and the strumming of a slightly out of tune acoustic guitar. I’m off, to the pint and to dream....a la reve
March 13 civil waryou all heard me rave and rant about the state of my mind, body and soul. i expressed my views on the state of this country and my dissatisfied pride. well, this song talks just about that.
"What we've got here is failure to communicate.
Some men you just can't reach... So, you get what we had here last week, which is the way he wants it! Well, he gets it! N' I don't like it any more than you men." * Look at your young men fighting Look at your women crying Look at your young men dying The way they've always done before Look at the hate we're breeding Look at the fear we're feeding Look at the lives we're leading The way we've always done before have you never thought about it? the futility of it all. the fighting, the death, the insecurities, and the hate. whats so scary and impossible about living with people of different races, faiths or beliefs. its beyond my understanding as a 'human' being, that we with our power to reason cannot see that blood is blood..male, female, adult, child, black, white, brown, yellow, hindu, muslim,christian or jew...why is it still the same. why hasnt change taken place...well:
My hands are tied
The billions shift from side to side And the wars go on with brainwashed pride For the love of God and our human rights And all these things are swept aside By bloody hands time can't deny And are washed away by your genocide And history hides the lies of our civil wars to make things worse, people who work for peace are always in danger. the road to peace is marked by the graves of men who stood upto oppression, agression, and hatred in its various twisted forms from aparthied to genocide.... D'you wear a black armband When they shot the man Who said "Peace could last forever" And in my first memories They shot Kennedy I went numb when I learned to see
So I never fell for Vietnam We got the wall of D.C. to remind us all That you can't trust freedom When it's not in your hands When everybody's fightin' For their promised land take for instance the arab-jew conflict. recently the israeli government uprooted its people from the gaza strip and the west bank to give way to the palestinians. the same people divided by religion and the imaginary division imposed by the same assholes who drew the india pakistan border. another example of the same people divided by religion and a LOC. who gives a flying fart in the scheme of things. i dont have a problem with a pakistani, or a jew or a muslim or a hindu, or a white man (here let me say a human white man, not a racist pig) face it, if we are good to others, we can live like one big happy family. but no! we have to fight and try to supress another. cave man tendencies. and man has the gall to call himself civilised. And
I don't need your civil war It feeds the rich while it buries the poor Your power hungry sellin' soldiers In a human grocery store Ain't that fresh I don't need your civil war Look at the shoes your filling Look at the blood we're spilling Look at the world we're killing The way we've always done before Look in the doubt we've wallowed Look at the leaders we've followed Look at the lies we've swallowed And I don't want to hear no more My hands are tied For all I've seen has changed my mind But still the wars go on as the years go by With no love of God or human rights 'Cause all these dreams are swept aside By bloody hands of the hypnotized Who carry the cross of homicide And history bears the scars of our civil wars GNR's solution: March 08 rec(l)useI stood under the flickering light of the incandescent tube and realized that i had taken my first conclusive step toward the madness that lurked within. not the happy undergraduate sort but a deeper madness with a darker hue. the sense of self left me for one brief moment, not unlike the inconsistent beam, and allowed the demon to rear its unbecomig head for the first time. i have seen what must not be seen, a glimpse of the future, my future and it wasn't pretty. i write today with a fear instilled by that premonition of reclusive-ness, of being alone. not by choice but by the hand of fear and suspicion, and the definite possiblity of its occuring.
i was never one to walk with the herd. a loner, but also the anti-loner. many acquaintances but few friends. and it suited me just fine. i like my freedom and i like to walk my own line, as skewed as it maybe. but yesterday as i sat, cigarette between my lips, a thin column of smoke rising lazily toward the cieling, the emptiness engulffed my present and hurried me hazily into the not so distant, not so inviting future.
ever heard people use that most irritating cliche of man not being an "island". wrong. every man is an island. but its the size and speed of his "boat" that allows him to be social. the boat can be anything you want it to be as long as it drwas people to you and you to them. sink the boat and kill your soul. die slowly like an abandoned dog in the desert.
all this said, i'm really not as bad as i make myself out to be. overly self critical. thats me. always have been, always will. i must be a lil fair to myself and say that i do like to talk to some people. the hitch is most of them are just like me.
 February 17 freedom?this one's called freedom. its my definition. so if you dont like it, it means you've read it and you'll know why i really dont give a shit.
freedom is about one thing and one thing only. two simple words that to me have so much meaning. Personal Choice, the power to make your own decisions about who, where and what you want to be. everybody talks about it, goverments harp about it, but do we really, really, have the freedom to shape our own, personal, private destinies. the fundamental right of expression, the economic priniciple of choice.
ok, lets talk economics. economics is based on three fundamental priniciples. screw demand and supply. its scarcity, choice and oppotunity cost. underlying this is the basic assumption that all capable human beings are rational. so we are supposed to be gifted with the faculties to make a choice between scarce resources, keeping in mind the side effects of our decision. sounds simple. i dont think so. not by a long shot.
for one, there is not a single rational human being on this planet. we are an irrational genus, always were, always will be. and so far i have'nt seen enough evidence to dispute this fact. therefore, the dicsions we make are most likely to be the wrong ones, by our own inadequacies or by the forceful badgering of others.
now, talking about fundamental rights, with specific focus on the freedom of speech and expression. this is the basis of modern, i stress modern, society. all governmental systems that suprees this right have not worked and have actually failed quite miserably. nazi germany, facist italy, communist russia, and the continuous upheavals in africa. didnt work then. will most definitely not work now. very few have actually survived, singapore, china and cuba for instance, but in all those cases the system was continuously shifted around to make adjustments to the changing population. these are all but the ones i know about and i quite sure some of my arguments are unsustainable but this is how it is as far as i know.
all countries curtail freedom of speech and expression and thereby personal choice. at some level to a certain extent, it is needed. "your right to swing your umbrella ends at my nose." thats perfectly logical and acceptable. but personal choice regarding the way i (you too to whomever reads this) want to live my life, as long as it harms no one else is my own bleeding business and nobody, nobody, has the right to curtail that by force. coercion, persuassion, laa dee daa, are all good ways to try and bring about a change in attitudes but in my extremely humble opinion its wrong to do it by force.
be that as it may, i also believe that we can never be free. there is one way, but i doubt that anybody is interested. i am and i'll keep it to myself. ask and you shall recieve, seek and you shall find (if you havn't got it, ask me!!!).
anyway, i'm not so pissed off anymore and now seem to have run a\out of steam. writing,i seem to have found, is my release. passive aggressive (what a brilliant oxymoron). repression is a horrible thing.
and, i almost forgot. the one way to keep people from meddling in your life is to choose not to choose. give up, shy away. become reclusive. then your thoughts are your own and yours to think and to keep. but i dont think any of us are interested in that either. or we really wouldnt be blogging would we?!!!
February 16 mary jane madnessi woke up this morning to the wafting aroma of banana fritters. i swear i thought i'd died and gone to heaven. no such luck. im still stuck on the third rock from the sun. its not such a bad thing actually (i have to keep telling myself to keep me from losing it completely).
i was never completely sane. no, thats not true. there was a time when i was a normal "good" boy. note the word boy. a long time ago in school. all the teachers like me and i was the proverbial poster boy for all the was clean and pure. all on the outside. inside was this dirty, swirling smog reeking of discontent. i was a shell and needed to break free. it probably raised its ugly head the first time i listened to thick as a brick - jethro tull's insane album penned by an insane child genius. but it took something more than rock (read: music) to exorcise my inner demons.
enter mary jane. all sweet, smelling deliciously herbal. the first time i was tentative, shy and scared. but she took my hand and led me on a wild ride that lasted a year and a half. and how we danced. sometimes alone, but mostly in the company of others wrestling with their own personal demons seeking release. it opened up my eyes, inside and out, to a new world. one that i had never seen, one that i could never fit into. too mystical, too much disjoint reality.
and so we parted ways. we still see each other. in the company of common friends, on the street, outside a club late at night. its friendly but never intimate. never again.
that however left me alone in attempt to understand the madness. the story actually has another channel to like the river that has been my life. but thats for another time and place. suffice to say that it gave me the strength to face my demons, and fight them as they awoke.
the land of nod beckons. it will not wait. i must cross over into the dark depths of my dreamless sleep. one last cigarette before i catch the night train. and then i'm done. i'm happy. i'm gone...
 February 13 good bloody nighti cant seem to find anything to write about. its funny cos when i wasnt at home i could write, wanted to write about so much. i think i know why, not sure but its an idea.
i went for this party yeaterday. sucked like stepping in crap, which i ended up doing. but its got me thinking. i cant have fun anymore. nothing seems to interest me, i'm happy knowing the people i know, dont want to go anywhere, and worst of all i dont want to get off my ass and find a job.
but i'm bored. i'm tired and i'm lost. its not focus that i need. i know what i want to do, what i need to do and why. and i know that i'll end up doing exactly that. but its empty. it has no soul. no calling, nothin greater than a job. simple i know i'll be good at it, i know i'll be happy with work i end up doing but, and this is where all the discontent lies, i want to be more than just a designation.
another reason for this overdose of melancholy is that i'm dissatisfied with my generation and my country. we were supposed to be the be the generation that brought about a change in the way the world works. we were to be the ones to stand up and be counted, not for ourselves but for those who can't. simple things that together change attitudes and ideas. i'm not talking about poverty, or genocide or racism or anything. i'm talking about love. there isn't any.
another thing. i've seen what sex and drugs can do to a generation. i'm not saying don't do drugs or have sex. i did drugs and it was fun and i know it calls. and sex is a beautiful thing. but there's a line that should not be crossed and this generation is moving faster than any toward that line than any before. look at the west. the "free" west. sex and drugs. kids at 14. people having strokes at 30. what makes me sad is that we know all these things. but self destruction seems to be the main agenda.
and my country...what can i say. it took me 11 months and a couple of weeks, 30000 km's away in a differant country on a differant continent to appreciate its beauty and culture. but it gets no respect from the people living within it. our mindless sycophantism toward everything leaves me with a fucking horrible taste in my mouth.
all this said, i'm the perfect example of all thats wrong. that means i'm probably just unhappy with myself.
here's a question: "if i change myself, will my perception of the world change, will anything change?"
and i just realised i dont have any cigarettes left. that means a sleepless nicotine-less night... February 04 what kind of rocker are u***You Are an Indie Rocker!***
You are in it for the love of the music... And you couldn't care less about being signed by a big label. You're all about loving and supporting music - not commercial success. You may not have the fame and glory, but you have complete control of your career. January 26 alcohol induced randomnessriding around in the cold, that is cold for madras, air on a bullet is almost the perfect way to start a day. for some reason, the combination of frozen body parts and pumping pistons opens the mind up to take in more than what it would. it could also be the lasting effects of the previous nights excesses but i prefer to believe the former.
today, for instance, i was riding back home brain all shot to shit from a serious lack of sleep when it hit me. the lives we lead are so complicated. convoluted to the point that it can never be simple again. the twist and turns of metal and fuel in addition to a heady dose of sillicon has made life in its basic form almost non existent for me. i dont know about the rest of the planet but for me it certainly has.
a village girl cycling down a mud path, skirts billowing in the wind and seemingly without a care in the world. what lies beneath the we do not know, but in that moment, that blessed moment she enjoys true happiness. simple. pure. but most of all real. take children and dogs. have you ever seen a child laugh? or a dog jump for joy wen his master returns? what i wouldn't give to experience that one moment of true, unspoilt, profound joy. just one.
maybe its just me. but it seems that its what we all look for. to be happy. that would be the rational deduction. but i guess its what and sometimes where we, and when i say "we" i mean 'i', look for it. January 25 bullshit, brown-brown and bullets in more ways than onerider mania was in town this week. madness on two wheels, the best royal enfield bullets from around the country. so we upped and went. my bro rides one but he went the previous day with the other bullet freaks so that left three of us going for a biker convention by car. how lame is that. now to add insult upon our already red faced selves, one of us (read:me) didnt withdraw any of that most valuable paper that some call money. i wait till we get to the highway (really smart!!!) any way we land up with just about enough money to get in so we cant drink. hmpf!! the bottomline is that we drove for an hour and a half, my bro driving like he lost his kidney or something, to pay to sit on the beach. oh and see a couple of really cool bikes.
i just watched the lord of war. its a freakin unbeliveable movie. shite. hits you really hard. especially this one scene where nic cage is fuckin stoned on cocaine and gunpowder, brown-brown. this lil girl walks upto him and says, "sir, will my arm grow back." this to the person who sold the weapons in the first place. damn!!!!makes you hate capitalists. oh the end is the best. the biggest arms dealers in the world are the US, UK, Russia, France and China; and they are the five permanent members of the UN security council. in short we're all fucked, ten spaces from nowhere.
continuing in the same vein, just imagine if we were to have another world war. its really not going to be just two sides this time. theres going to be a huge split, like a pumpkin flung mercilessly into the whirling blades of our hate, greed and insecurity.
i actually was contemplating writing something happy till i watched the damn movie. funnily enough the movie i watched yesterday was way more violent but that was just mindless. out of the blue these guys just go and trash the place. brilliant. that was a happy, albeit extremely trigger happy, movie.
maybe i dont know what im saying. i dont but if im wrong is that such a crime. i know what im feeling. and what im feeling is that isnt enough love in this world. not barely enough.
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