guess who i found?

sandeep's profileUp, Up and AwayPhotosBlogLists

< Previous Next >

May 28

not anyone really important. just myself. i understood one part of the wierd person that i am. it's really strange, but no one would really call me wierd. outside, i come across as this extremely normal human being, introverted but normal. but inside is this chaotic whirlpool of uncertainties that i just cannot fathom. or could not. its actually really sad that i don't know myself, even after being me for 22 and a half years. last week i took one step closer to finding out who I am. i've been wallowing in self pity for sometime now. its brutal and disgusting and no sane human being should even think about putting themself through the torture. i was depressed and generally feeling blue, when i came to the conclusion that i dont need any friends. who needs them, the rotten bastards. nobody cares really, so why should i.

until saturday morning that is. i open the paper and there's this story about a little girl who's lost both her hands and she's all bubbly and cheerful. most importantly, she's getting on with her life even though lady luck's been pretty nasty to her. i guess the more fortunate we are, the more we take for granted. but it the story snapped me out of my lousy self indulgence. it also however forced me to think about some stuff and that put a new spin on one aspect of my personality.

i realized that i do need friends. in fact i love my friends. people who know me, also know that i dont have that many people i can call friends. so why the disparity between reality and belief. here's the deal. i'm scared to let people see who i am. im scared to let people know that i have needs. im scared that people will see me as needy. im scared that i'll become a hanger on, a tag along, an extra spoke, a third wheel. unfortunately,its a bloody vicious cycle, and allowing these fears to take control meansl i've given up...and guess what? they've come true.

its no use being smart...its no use being intelligent....its no use making a lot of money...its no use...period!

there's a way out though. get my ass in gear and get out there or get reclusive. im pushing the boundaries of the latter, dangling on the edge of the precipice....fuck it, i think i'll just fall!

6:47 AM | View trackbacks (1) | Blog it

Comments (13)

To add a comment, sign in with your Windows Live ID (if you use Hotmail, Messenger, or Xbox LIVE, you have a Windows Live ID). Sign in

Don't have a Windows Live ID? Sign up

	Troublewrote: Yoohoo! been quite long since you updated! :) July 10
	Dhriti Menonwrote: hey, You knw [ ive said this before and im saying it agian).. but i can relate to u.. evn though im wayy younger and a complete prat. But i get it when u say 'im scared that people will see me as needy.'.. im dead scared of being the third wheel.. which i am most of the time..being a loner and scared of being alone.. so as long as i have human's /pets around me.. im okay.. i go bak to eb my loner self.. man okay.. that did not make sense.. im srry for being soo stupid... and looking at all the clever ppl who've commented.. i shud get outta or ill sound stupid.... anyway WHERE HAVE U BEEN???! dont hide from me..:P..Lol later sandeep! the one and only dirty! July 5
	glug blub blub wrote: sansweep..finally checked out this space.we all have the same fears.and then some more.and the further down you tread on this long and winding road,the more lonely you feel and more scared.but freinds are friends because they are the ones who really do see you through it all.they are also the ones who sit on the side of the road,talk bt alsolutely anything under the surface of the moon,squeeze black heads outta each others cheeks,and have a favorite common tune.you are'nt alone.i say that at the risk of sounding extremely corny and sentimental.butits true and deep down inside you know that..you also know,its lodged in various many crevices of your mind that its easier to hate than to love,so why bother...newsflash..you love whether you like it or not. so here s a thought-if you'r getting raped after the initial struggle to break free, you might as well lie back and enjoy it..yea? July 1
	anne onnie mouse wrote: im glad..and good luck with the new job..i know u haven't said you got one here, but i heard ya did, so good luck, lets hope it gets u to be (quoting u) more than just a designation June 28
	linda ericksonwrote: YOu are on lifes path..... so stop smell the roses, and see every star , every sunset and sunrise for the beauty it is.......miss you. Love from Linda in California Gone but not forgotten!!!!!!!!!!!!!! June 21
	Kikawrote: Ey, so when I finally get here, there's no updates to catch up on. Found a comment where you asked if it was the right birth date, how'd you guess? Where'd you see it? Or was it from that very depressed birthday post last year? Hope all's well with you, and that you're not making too much progress with finding yourself. June 16
	Kimwrote: oh come oin how bad gan it possibly be........... they wudn't be ur frnds if u were tag along or a third wheel just b'coz they dont express it doesn't mean they dislike u n dont wanna be wid u....... so get rid of this mental bloc k June 3
	Ms. S. chow chowwrote: Just found your space while taking a break from work! :-) Just wanted to say that sometimes when you are really trying hard to figure yourself out and keep looking inward, it's quite like falling into a vortex, abyss. And, a way which very often works and one you that tried, is looking outside. Like reading about the lil girl who had lost her hands and was still looking at life cheerfully. Reach out, you'll find scores of people who need you. And, in reaching out to them you may discover something about yourself! I don't know if this is sounding like some mumbo-jumbo. But, I've tried it and it works! May 31
	Rama Ananthwrote: People always say that one should not wallow in self pity which is totally wrong .You see when ur wallowing in self pity ur are actually releasing all ur pent up emotion, and in the end u feel totaly relaxed and unburdened and also empowered in a positive way to look at yourslf in a matured manner. So wallowimg in self pity is actually good if we bring some positive result out of that exercise, for if we can't tell our problems to our selves whom do we tell .Every problem has a solution and we know that the solution lies within ourselves. It is in itself a kind of meditation: first u crib at all the things u dont have ,next u wish for the things u want to have and finally u r so empowered that u acknowldge the things u already have and thank the universe , and feel an attitude of gratitude come upon u . Isnt that great. Well I wish u all the best in your life. May 30
	Troublewrote: TG you're back! Long time ya :) Good to know that you finally found yourself in this phase of hibernation.. Why are yuo scared of ppl knowing wht you are? Be what you are, act what you're like.. no pretending, no masks, nothing.. give a damn to what others have to say abt it! And friends are the ones who're supposed to know you inside out, who else! :) May 29
	Dude,where's my space?wrote: Hmmm,so you're done with the hibernating huh? About time! Well,what I'm about to say may sound weird or soppy,but let me tell you,I know EXACTLY wht you mean.Went through the same goddamned phase last year, sunk into the deep dark unfathomable depths of depression and wallowed there in the darkness wrapped in self pity and just overall misery. That was when I decided the whole concept of a friend was overrated and wasnt required really,that I didnt need anyone anymore,I didn't want anyone. I don't exactly know how that happened ,but thank goodness I managed to pull myself out of the darkness and into the light and realise that I DO love my friends,I love them like nobody's business... Glad to see you've gotten over yourself!;) and gotten to know the man in the mirror better, and sounding overall more cheerful :) I'll be sending a couple of hugs your way,lets hope your smile gets EVEN wider!;D May 29
	Born giftedwrote: Hmmm hey there I am sure glad you found yourself. ummm you know there is one way out of the darkness i think you read that entry of mine http://spaces.msn.com/borngifted/blog/cns!7E74A504DE57B006!161.entry whenyou see others darkness yourealise that your own is dimmer by comparison. Hey i am sorry i didnt come earlier to see you. the more friends i make the more difficult i find it to keep track of everybody. but i have promised myself that i will visit everybody atleast once a month. lets see how far i am able to do that. glad you are back though. the next time you feeling blue let me know alrite. i may not be your friend as yet. but i can and will be there for you if you need someone to listen. May 28
	Kikawrote: You haven't been around either, so hush! I've retired sir, blogging was meant to be cathartic, I thought it had served its purpose. However, I'm crawling back into my shell slowly. I'm going back to feeling the way I did before I started blogging, much like you felt before this mini epiphany you've written about. I haven't been on here much, and I won't be either. But I hope to catch up with you on MSN. Take care! :D May 28

Trackbacks (1)

The trackback URL for this entry is:

http://bingochubb.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!B272E5A991CFA6A4!522.trak

Weblogs that reference this entry

yoghurt and orange cake